The weak (I mean week) in review

by one-11

I am so thankful for the outpouring of support that I have received from everyone. I truly wouldn’t be motivated to continue without it. I know that doing this is supposed to come from inside of me. And for the most part it does. But having everyone push me forward is so important. So thank you.

That being said, I realized at the start of the second class that it is going to take a lot more than your support to get me through this. Because while that kept me from running out of class, it didn’t give me any understanding of what the instructor was talking about.

What I found interesting is that there are others in the class who apparently are feeling what I’m feeling. This is interesting to me because I swear that they weren’t there on the first day. From my perspective EVERYONE but me was answering her questions. The answers seemed to roll off of their tongues while I sat there like a deer in headlights. So when others expressed concern, I kept thinking that they still weren’t as bad off as me.

What I found even more interesting is that knowing that I’m not the only one didn’t make me feel better. I didn’t feel any less dumb. I didn’t believe that those of us who are lost could get together and pull each other out. I just thought that there are more of us to become statistics – college dropouts.

I met with the professor to express my fears and obtain her guidance. Her recommendation was that I consider dropping the course and auditing the undergraduate prerequisite. Is that like developmental math at the graduate level? While it might have been a valid suggestion, I admit that I felt embarrassed and a little humiliated.

What made the experience worse was how it affected how I felt in my other classes. I suddenly became unsure of my work on homework in another class that I was sure of the day before. The few marks on my first paper suddenly felt like an indictment of my inability to write. I couldn’t pay attention in the class preceding my “bad” class because I was so full of dread. Is this how a struggling student’s self esteem goes down the drain?

I have slept on it and prayed over it, and today doesn’t seem as bad. I’ve let go of the feeling that I need to just quit and go find a job out of my field where nobody knows me and I don’t have to be embarrassed that I quit. I’ve connected with a study group. At this level, tutors are harder to come by, but I’m sure I can find one. I’ve had a talk with my graduate advisor about options. I’ll pour over next week’s assignment this weekend while everyone else watches the game. And my village will keep pushing me forward.

This part still isn't fun yet.